Did you bring in the newspaper?
What do you need the newspaper for?
Remember our current events homework?
The teacher was serious about that?
Yes, and we find current events in the newspaper,
ergo we need the newspaper.
Wait, wait, wait, wait.
Did you just say "ergo"?
Yes, it's my word of the day,
and I got to use it before breakfast!
My word of the day is pathetic.
Guess when I'm going to use it?
When you get your essay back,
and see your grade?
No. Now.
Uhh!
Hey, Zack, let me in!
Ergo pathetic.
♪ Here I am in your life ♪
♪ here you are in mine ♪
♪ yes we have a sweet life ♪
♪ most of the time ♪
♪ you and me, we got the world to see ♪
♪ so come on down ♪
♪ just me and you know what to do ♪
♪ so come on down ♪
♪ it's you and me ♪
♪ and me and you ♪
♪ we got the whole place to ourselves ♪
♪ you and me, we got it all for free ♪
♪ so come on down ♪
♪ this is the sweet life ♪
♪ we've got a sweet life ♪
Carey: You locked him in the hallway with no clothes!
But 2 weeks of no tv
is a cruel and unusual punishment.
Don't push it, and if you do it again,
I'll ground you so long they'll write country music songs about it.
I can't believe Ilsa and the St. mark hotel
beat us again.
Ok, so we didn't play our best.
Oh, sadly we did,
and we stunk like a donkey in August.
How does a donkey smell in say October?
Better. Not good but better.
You know, it's hard being a cheerleader
for a team that stinks,
but I managed to have fun.
You started cheering for the other team
at 2 minutes into the game.
Well, that's because I can't stand losers.
Yeah, you're lucky I'm even talking to you guys.
Yeah, I feel lucky.
[Swedish accent] Hello, losers.
I came over to show you ze highlights of your game,
but you don't have any,
because you played like a bunch of girlie-girls.
Well, just because you beat us at flag football
does not make you the better hotel.
Oh, face it. Ve could rip your fleagels at any sport.
How about bowling?
[Screaming]
That was odd.
Well, it was arwin.
[All talking]
So, moseby, do you have a bowling team?
Give me just one second.
Staff, huddle up!
Ok, who's good at bowling?
I am. My average is 225.
Good! Is that good?
It's fantastic.
When we were on the road,
I was always looking for something to do with the boys,
and every town has a bowling alley.
Are we going to bowl,
or are we just going to do the chatty-chat.
Ho, ho!
We're bowling!
[Screaming]
Esteban?
You're facing the wrong way.
Oh, this the way we do it in my country.
Well, that's the dumbest thing I've ever heard.
Why don't you--
welcome to the team.
Cody, have you seen arwin?
I asked him if he wanted to come bowling.
What did he say?
[Screaming]
Zack, you're up.
[Cheering]
Zack, you really are good.
Tip of the iceberg, baby.
Carey?
I think we have a pretty decent team
except for one glaring weakness.
Oh, I got a split!
And I've decided to name you captain.
Really? Well,
you are the mother of our star bowler,
and you're pretty good yourself.
And you want me to tell London she's off the team.
And you're quick as a whip.
Good luck with that.
So, London, we've got our team set.
Oh, goody. Tell me about me.
Shh. This is a team secret.
[Whispering] You get to be our alternate.
Is that good?
Good?
It's great!
It means that if somebody else can't bowl,
you get to be our secret weapon.
Ohh.
Well, can I still wear my cheerleading outfit?
You can wear whatever you want.
Yay, me!
Shh! Shh!
[Whispering] Yay, me.
Won't you throw the ball?
Oh, is the little Dutch boys the best you can do?
Well, what are you doing here? Spying on us?
I don't need to spy on you because you stink.
Ve bowl now?
Not yet, my pet.
In my country, we have volcanoes smaller than her.
[Grunts]
This is gretel, our star bowler
and knockwurst counter girl.
The St. mark doesn't have a knockwurst counter.
Ve do now!
Down, gretel, down.
Good. Schnitzel?
Mmm. Yeah--oh!
Use your vords.
Good. Ooh!
Good, my darling.
Oh, yeah?
Schnitzel this.
Well, who schtinks now?
Oh, who cares? Ve crush you anyvay.
Come, gretel.
I love a man in uniform.
I hate those rented shoes.
2 hours in the shower,
and I can still feel the fungus between my toes.
Speaking of fungus,
hand me that soda.
What does that have to do with fungus?
Nothing. I just want my danged soda.
Well, why can't you get your danged soda yourself?
Mr. moseby wants me to ice my bowling arm.
Boy, you are milking this star player thing.
Speaking of milking things,
I need you to do my current events homework.
Mr. moseby wants me to rest my golden arm.
Well, you better get the newspaper first,
because you're doing your own stinkin' homework.
Fine, fine, fine.
But if I pull a finger muscle,
it's on your head.
Well, it's better than where it usually is,
up your nose digging for gold.
That's funny.
Hey, check it out!
There's some loser in the hall in a towel.
No way! Who is it?
You!
Uhh!
Hey, let me in!
Zack!
Can't believe you fell for it again.
He did it differently this time.
Well, he's never gonna do it again!
Right!
What is it with you?
I tell you not to do something,
you promise not to do it,
and then you go right ahead, and you do it anyway.
Life. It's all a learning experience.
And you've learned nothing.
I'd go with no allowance.
That and I'm grounding you for the month.
What?
Starting now. You are not to leave this hotel,
except for school.
But what about the bowling tournament tomorrow?
You'll let me out of grounding for that, won't you?
Grounding doesn't have exceptions except for school.
But the team needs me!
Well, you should have thought of that before you disobeyed me.
But, mom...
You're the captain of the team.
How can you fire your star player?
Because I'm your mom first.
You're off the team. That's final.
Everyone, I made up a cheer for our team.
Ready?
2-4-6-8! Who do we appreciate?
London! London!
Yay, me!
Very inspirational, London.
Ha, ha! Here comes our star bowler now.
The zackinator! Zackmeister.
Zack attack.
Zack-a...
Person who's real good.
Now we're finally gonna beat the St. mark.
I'm gonna look Ilsa right in the mole and say,
"loser, loser, loser..."
Lo--why aren't you wearing your bowling shirt?
Because he's not bowling.
He's been grounded,
and when the team loses, it'll be all your fault.
Carey, Carey, Carey, Carey, Carey.
I beg you to punish Zack on a daily basis and nothing!
And now, the one time that I need him,
you decide to get tough?
Oh, you hate me, don't you?
Reporting for jailer duty.
Don't worry, Carey.
I'll make sure Zack doesn't have any fun.
Although, we may play laser tag or something--
ok, no fun!
Thank you, arwin.
Anything for you, Carey.
Mom, please!
Punish me tomorrow.
Good idea. I like that.
Tomorrow works for us.
His punishment starts today.
I'm sorry, guys, but Zack has to learn
that there are rules and when you break them,
there are consequences.
Well, who's going to take my place?
Well, London is our alternate.
Ohh, me? You mean I'm doing the round thingy at the white thingy?
Oh, yay, me!
We're doomed. Esteban: Uhh.
I know we have suffered a great blow
with the loss of our most valuable player.
But I believe, if we all pull together--
left! We could--
left! Left my husband with 28 kids.
Right! Right!
Right in the middle of the living room floor.
Left, left! Team halt!
I'm scared. Hold me!
Aah!
So, moseby, you really think you can beat us
with your pathetic team
of children and girly-girls?
Well, we've got something that you haven't got.
Team spirit!
We've got spirit! Yes, we do!
We've got spirit! How 'bout--
you?
Ve've got spirit! Yah, we do!
Shut your mouth, or I'll crush you!
Back off, Bertha.
Oh, ze spiky hair has the backbone.
I hate ze backbone!
London, drop your pom-poms.
You're up first. Ok.
Oh! I did it! I did it!
I bowled a strike!
Ooh, ooh, ooh! Too bad it was in our Lane!
Ha, ha! Gretel, bowl.
Yah!
The ball never touched the ground.
Philip's head.
Regular head.
Flat head.
Bored out of my head.
Sorry. Your mom said no fun.
Well, what am I supposed to do now?
I finished my homework.
Oh, why don't you go over what you did,
and, you know, review it.
Ah, come on.
It's bad enough I had to do it once.
Hey!
A bowling trophy.
Arwin, you bowl?
No, no, no.
I found that in the trash. Makes a great paperweight.
But--but it says,
"first place, arwin hock hauser."
That's--my sister.
It's her trophy. She won it, ahem.
She has the same first name as you?
We were a poor family.
We could only afford one name.
But it--
ok, I confess!
Oh, stop badgering me. I can't take it anymore.
It's me! It's me! It's me!
[Crying]
You bowl?
Yeah.
I traveled the circuit,
hung with the champions.
They said I could have been a hall-of-famer but...
But what?
But then there came...
That night.
This was the national finals,
and first place meant money,
product endorsements, and chicks--
chicks who dig professional bowlers.
Ahh.
Those were the days.
Anyway, mother had never seen me bowl before,
but her arm-wrestling match got postponed.
So, she came to support me in the finals,
as only a mother can.
Mother: Arwin! Come on! Do it!
Try and make something out of yourself!
Don't be a loser like your father!
Mom was giving me a pep talk from the sidelines.
Mother: You better win!
I was under a lot of pressure.
Zack: What happened?
My hand was sweating so much
that I lost it on the back swing.
[Crash] Mother: Aah!
Ugh.
I lost the match.
I lost the championship, and mother...
She lost a foot.
Oh, my gosh.
Does she walk with a limp?
Oh, no, no, no. The ball actually landed on her head.
She lost a foot.
She was 6 feet, now she's 5 feet.
That math I can do.
Well, after the accident I...
Hung up my bowling ball and shoes and...
I haven't bowled since.
Arwin, if you're a good bowler,
you could take my place in the match
against the St. mark hotel.
Our team needs you!
No, no, no. I can't.
Sure you can. No, no, no. I can't.
I swore I would never pick up a bowling ball again.
Arwin, facing your fears helps you grow as a person.
Zack...
I don't know if you've noticed,
but, uh, I'm a grown man
without a girlfriend living in a basement.
Facing my fears isn't exactly my forte.
Please?
I really messed up and let the team down.
If we lose to the St. mark,
everyone is going to hate me.
Bummer!
I'm pretty sure if we won,
mom would give you a kiss.
Let's bowl.
You vill fall!
Oh, we're getting destroyed.
It's that gretel.
There's gotta be some way to throw her off her game,
to distract her.
Don't worry.
For the good of the team...
I will get her mind off bowling.
Esteban, no. You don't have to do this.
Ok, thanks.
Oh, yes, he does.
Well done, my son.
Hola, muchacha.
That bowling shirt really brings out the highlights in your...
Mustache.
Uhh! Ooh!
Whoo, yeah!
Whoo!
That didn't work.
Oh, no!
Oh, now she's taking me to her cave!
So, moseby,
it vould take a miracle for you to vin now.
Care to give up?
Well, looks like you are--
going down!
Oh, ho, ho! I knew you'd show up.
I knew you wouldn't let some stupid punishment
keep you from the tournament.
Ahem!
Do I have to ground you, too?
I'm not going to lift Zack's punishment,
whether we're losing or not.
That's good parenting.
Oh, thanks.
I'm not here to bowl.
Arwin is.
Arwin? You bowl?
I'm, uh, sort of a champion.
Why didn't you tell us?
Are we bowling or vhat?
[Swedish accent] Ve have a last minute--
we have a last-minute substitution.
Zis is not a deli.
There are no substitutions.
Except in the case of injury.
Ok.
For the good of the team.
Aah!
Ah! Oh!
Oh, I'm sorry. I guess my aim isn't very good.
[Crying]
I kiss it make it better?
I'm ok.
No, no, no.
No! Uhh!
So that means...
Arwin's in.
Hello, baby,
long time no see.
All right, just imagine you're a kid again,
doing the one thing you love to do most.
Playing with my ant farm.
No, the other one thing.
Bowling.
Right, bowling.
I do love to bowl.
Whoo!
[Music playing]
All: What?
Ilsa: Aha!
Look, ze deadly 7-10 split.
You can get ze 7 or you can get ze 10,
but you can not get zem both!
Ha, ha!
There's no pressure, arwin.
Just the fact that you bowled makes you a winner.
But if you miss this, we're all big, fat losers--
you, young lady, go stand back there.
What are you doing?
It's just for dramatic effect.
If you go slower, the tension builds--
I'm gonna go again.
[Cheering]
Oh.
Well, who's the biggest loser now, huh?
You may have Von this round, moseby,
but I'll get you next time, my pretty.
And your little staff, too.
Hey, smile. We won.
I know. I'm happy for you guys.
It's just...
[All talking]
You wish it was you they were carrying off instead of arwin?
Well, I am easier to lift.
Honey, I'm sorry you're disappointed,
but you remember this feeling
the next time you want to do something mean to your brother.
Then next time, they'll be lifting you up.
All: Arwin! Arwin!
Aah!
Hopefully, I'll have some stronger teammates.
There's our champion.
Is mother ok?